IT'S a brave thing indeed to have anything negative to say about Scotland after the recent election results. Not unless you want to come home and find the SNP has taken up all the seats in your living room.
Nobody wants a late night phone call form a squeaky-voiced woman shouting fan-dabby-dozy down the phone.
Take a bow then Nissan and prepare to have your car park nominated as the next berth for Trident.
A survey conducted in support of Nissan parking technologies has revealed that the Scots have done more damage to their cars in the last five years getting into a tempting space than drivers in England and Wales.
To make matters worse, the Welsh turn out to be top manoeuvring nation. Now while, as custodian of two family mountains in the principality, it fills me with pride that reversing in Rhyl is beyond reproach.
I hope this is not going to set nationalist upon nationalist. Not least because to get to Wales angry clansmen would virtually pass though my garden and I don't want Irn Bru all over the hardy perennials.
To be fair there is not a case for singling out any one tribe when it comes to parking hopelessness. Wherever you go there are attempts being made which are as comical as a night out with Billy Connolly.
Nissan's new Pulsar comes with a package that even Mr Mole could use to park up; around view camera, moving object detection, a virtual bird's eye view of the space a driver is attempting to master. Idiot proof. Maybe.
Part of the problem, aside from having the spatial awareness of an earthworm, is that parking slots have got smaller while generally cars are getting bigger. For instance this week I followed an 02 plate Nissan X-Trail and noted how compact it was compared to the current model.
The current Tekna dCi 130 X-Trail comes with no more than regular front and back parking sensors but then its home turf is the wide open spaces. Make no mistake, this is no longer a family crossover, it is a meaningful 4x4 option.
Nissan once ruled the trouble spots of the world with the peace-keeping Patrol, a UN favourite along with the Toyota Land Cruiser. Sadly with spiralling fuel costs and Dick Turpin in charge of vehicle excise duty something with broader appeal is now called for. Kicking up a dust storm in Mogadishu is all fine and dandy but not all that useful for the school run.
Mind you, that's what the Qashqai is for, so while Nissan repeats the formula of two or four-wheel drive options I see little point in coughing up for anything but the off-road potential of the 4x4.
The all-wheel drive technology's proper stuff, full multi-link rear axle and intelligent 4x4 selection which I can confirm will deal with a winter-time muddy field even on road tyres.
However, the majority of the time the X-Trail will be on a road and this is a comfortable experience, largely due to the way the adaptive ride system uses the cruise control's radar to read the surface but also because the 1,600cc diesel engine is remarkably refined although painfully slow at 11 seconds to 62mph. It's not one to sling about either, there is a lot of workhorse and less Derby winner here.
The benefit of that is that 50mph is a real possibility for the angelic of foot, I got 44mpg other possibilities are available, see pack for details. Tax is £130 a year.
Right, as you would pay £31,000 for the range topping Tekna spec,it is only right to expect a lot for your investment. And you get it. Everything behind the wheel is as it should be and noise is limited. Ride comfort is excellent even on the 19-inch alloys.
So to equipment, which is extensive. As well as a power roof, full colour touch screen and automatic just about everything. There is also Nissan's road sign reading system and a raft of safety features as well as park assist.
Is it practical? Well yes for dogs, country sport and leisure activities. There are only five standard seats but the ante can be upped to seven for £700. Oh and there is an 18-point luggage board system. Which is nice.
So the X-Trail is perfect for a bit of off-roading around Offa's Dyke. Should there be a spike in sales north of the boarder expect the worst.
In the meantime, to stir up a bit of European fervour, parking shunts in Italy and Spain top the lot to the extent that many cars must come with blackout curtains. Just saying.