Alfa Stelvio brings

home the bacon

Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, nose
Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, front, action
Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, front, static
Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, side
Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, rear
Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, interior
Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, rear seats
Alfa Romeo Stelvio, 2018, boot

LOVELY to keep abreast of adaptations of our language.

Recently I discovered Ketwig, a young Merseyside person who avoids haircuts, releasing funds for recreational drugs like ketamine. Their long hair is a ketwig.

Who am I to argue? Ketamine is a splendid dope which dropped our old riding horse a treat.

The newspeak debate of the age is are you a gammon?

A gammon, according to the great God Google, is a person of a certain age with a pre-stroke complexion angry with the world in general and the EU in particular.

A Brexiteer. See, another one of recent times.

Another is Remoaner. Not one of the Ramones, who were quite good.

I think gammon is rather harsh. Perhaps maple cured bacon chop would be better.

All sorts of issues arise. If a gammon makes an error on QuestionTime, does it have egg on its face?

In marriage do the happy couple exchange pineapple rings?

Political obsessives, get over yourselves and do something useful. Like visit Pluto. Without a helmet.

Motoring has long been a fertile cabbage patch for name calling.

Boy racers, road-hogs and Audi t....well ever mind that one.

And Alfistas. Not a particularly insulting moniker but one which singled out a certain type of badge obsessiveno matter what good mechanical counsel told them.

Do you have to be an Alfista to like the Stelvio SUV?

No, just well-tuned in will do.

Look, there are crisscross quiz SUV versions everywhere but this one is particularly engaging because it is different. In some ways, in the cabin, just a little bit off the piggery wall.

Alfa set out to produce a charismatic performance SUV which could take on the Porsche Macan and compete design-wise with that middle-class school gates favorite the Range Rover Evoque.

So let's start with the performance question.

Is the Stelvio worthy of your racing pulse?

I should say so. The 2.2 diesel turbo, with 210 horsepower and AWD, will race to the 62mph benchmark in 6.6 seconds.

You are probably going a bit pale now at what this is likely to mean in terms of spiraling fuel prices.

Spending £38,490 on an eight-speed auto hot SUV brings with it some sacrifices but I don't call the possibility of 58.9mpg such a big one.I did not achieve this target figure ending up at 45mpg. 127g/km of emissions by the way. Not exactly planet murder.

Fun to drive? Well I imagine you are thinking it better had be.

Starting with driver accommodation the Stelvio is classy, sure the leather seats and some driver packs and other options pushed the price up to over £44,000 but what you sit among is impressive although there are one or two areas where trim is not up to the price tag.

Drive off and the lack of clutter and clear layout singles the Stelvio out as a driver-focused car. Which could be why the rear leg room was not top of the design brief.

The infotainment system is the same as that in the Giulia saloon, an 8.8-inch display with rotary control on the transmission plumbing which houses are the expected modern aids plus a 3D navigator.

There is a lot of equipment but no Apple CarPlay or Android equivalent.

Out on the road suspension features a passive set up and stability feature boosts the Q4 driveline. A ‘DNA' controller sets the car up for all-wheel-drive, dynamic or all-weather driving.

You can make it a raucous beast but as a refined distance car there is plenty to recommend it.

I don't know how popular the Stelvio with be with our exciting new ham people but if you have been searching for looks, performance and individuality in a crossover this one brings home the bacon.

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